I’ve decided to do a series on this, in the interest of public health.
- Don’t cook, sing or give advice to your children while pissed. Also, don’t talk, in general. Of any kind. It’s just better that way.
- Some of the best entertainment is a small dog grappling with a half deflated balloon.
- You can never EVER plug something into a Windows computer and have it work. Plug and Play is as functional as Donald Trump’s hairpiece. Buy the fruity one instead, rhymes with Grapple – a bit like what you do have to do with Windows, EVERY. Time. You. Switch it. On.
- If you feel you must have children, stop at 2
- It’s rude to read stranger’s messages over their shoulder. They don’t like it. And it’s particularly embarrassing when you both realise that you’re doing it….the security guard at West Quay shopping is lovely, by the way.
- Entire pairs of socks don’t get sucked completely into the bowels of The Beast (Aka, my vacuum cleaner – see previous posts). They just get wedged around the turbo brush of doom, along with 7 kilos of my daughter’s hair. It’s long. Very long. (Interestingly, and I use the term loosely, laces *do* get sucked up. Shoes don’t)
- You have to turn a USB dongle around AT LEAST 42 times before you find the right way round to insert the little f@*ker.
- Calpol still tastes good at 3am
- Milk really *does* turn into cheese if left long enough.
- 12 year old girls think they are 18 and spend more than a healthy amount of time watching Netflix, posing for pouty selfies and posting quotes about how depressed they could potentially be, if anyone would care to ask…but they don’t, because they don’t care, because they just don’t exist, because everything is so unFAIRRRRR.
- Most people are stupid. Stay at home.
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I think I'll watch House of Anubis on Netflix for the gazillionth time...
but first, let me take a selfie....